Lily's Letters
by F3rn
Summary: Mrs Evans had always been particularly close to her youngest daughter. She kept every single letter that Lily sent home. But why is she looking back through them now? What is she searching for?
1. First Year

_1._

_She sat at the kitchen table, a large cardboard bow in front of her. Drawing out a large file, labelled "Lily's First Year", she spread the contents out on the table. She picked up the topmost sheet of paper and smiled, then sighed deeply._

1st September

Dear Mum, Dad and Tuney,

I have just had the most amazing first day ever! Hogwarts is absolutely _incredible_, and I haven't even started doing any magic yet!

I'm in Gryffindor, just like I told you I wanted to be. I'm still sure it's the best house there is, although Sev's happy in Slytherin. I was a bit disappointed that we're not in the same house, but according to a prefect I asked we'll still have lessons with the Slytherins. She sounded a bit annoyed about it, though. I wonder why...

On the train Sev and I met some rather nasty boys. They made fun of my accent and tried to trip Sev up. They said their names were James Potter and Serious Black, or something like that. Honestly, you'd think with a name like "Serious" you wouldn't have the nerve to take the mickey out of someone else. Anyway, those two idiots have ended up in the same house as me, unfortunately...

_She shook herself mentally. She had to get a move on; Alice was coming round in half an hour. Scanning the letter, she saw Severus' name come up several time, but little mention of James. No, fond as she was of this letter, her first one from her youngest daughter, this wouldn't do for these circumstances. Regretfully, she returned it to the pile and picked another._

29th September

Dear Mum,

I have had such an awful day today. That toe-rag Potter thought it would be funny to charm my hair to stick upright with _green_, yes you read right, _green _roots, so it looked like had a giant carrot on my head. He didn't find it so amusing when I turned his face green and his hair silver though! Hah! Oh, you probably don't understand that do you; Potter hates Slytherins for some ridiculous reason, and green and silver are the Slytherin house colours. Alice helped me fix my hair, but even Potter's brainy friend Remus didn't manage to sort him out entirely. He went the whole day looking about fifty and slightly ill. Remus, Potter, Black and I are the only ones who are any good at this kind of magic in our year yet. I read up spells in my spare time, and I can only imagine Remus does the same and teaches them to his moronic mates, because I can't imagine _them _doing any extra reading.

Anyway, the time seems to have flown, and I really ought to go to bed now. I'll write you a proper letter about my lessons and stuff tomorrow.

Love,

Lily

_She smiled. Perfect._

**This is my first fanfic, I hope it's okay. I've got chapter 2 ready, but I don't want to put it up unless you think it's worth carrying on. I'd like to here any comments or suggestions to help me improve.**_  
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	2. Second Year

_2._

_The next file contained more letters. It was labelled, "Lily's Second Year"._

19th May

Dear Mum,

I am currently sitting in my dorm, soaking wet, because Potter's stupid gang slipped out of defence against the dark arts first (they always sit at the back) and ambushed the Slytherins with water bombs. Unfortunately, they hit me and my friends as well. Luckily for me DADA was last lesson. Unfortunately for Potter, this didn't stop me from punching him in the face.

McGonagall came along just then, and took five points from Gryffindor for "unnecessary violence". Aw, she sounded just like you when I've been fighting with Tuney. But when she found out why we were all drenched she gave Potter and his cronies detention. Yes! I know, if you were here you'd probably be reminding me that I shouldn't take satisfaction in others' misfortune. But really, I don't see how even you could not be glad about that. Actually I'm quite lucky she didn't catch me earlier or it would probably have been detention for me as well. After Potter made some... well, let's say some rather _suggestive_ remarks, I lost my temper and kicked him in the nuts.

Marlene's not talking to me because I bagged the next slot in the shower, after Alice. The immaturity of some people, really.

Alice just keeps going on and on about this boy Frank Longbottom. It's kind of sweet really, but really annoying sometimes. The other day Marlene just told her, "go and ask him out then, we're obviously not getting any peace until you do." Alice wouldn't do it, not even when Marlene dared her to. She's already planning what their kids are going to look like though. Honestly. Sometimes I don't know whether to laugh or throw up.

I hope your work sorts itself out; your new boss sounds like a real slave driver. Tell me all about your latest article in your next letter, it sounds really interesting. I almost died laughing the other week; I told someone my mum's a journalist, and she asked if you wrote for the _Witch __Weekly_!

Oh, I think Alice is finishing now. Nearly my turn in the shower! I'll write again next week.

Love,

Lily

_With a chuckle, she added this letter on top of the other. Absolutely; it would be a crime not to include this letter. It never failed to make her laugh. The week she had received that letter had been pretty bad; her work had been really intense. She had read and re-read that letter so many times it was like she had her daughter with her. She had never been able to discuss her work problems with Petunia; the girl had always looked bored and excused herself to go and call her boyfriend. _

_Oh well, onto the next file._

__**Thanks if you reviewed the last chapter, and thank you for the feedback; I considered it all even if I haven't taken your advice.**


	3. Third Year

**Disclaimer: I forgot to do this before, but hey, it's my first fan fiction so hopefully Jo won't mind too much. Yeah, I don't own Harry Potter or any of the characters.**_  
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_3._

_When she opened the third file, it was with a definite aim in mind. There was one particular letter she wanted to find._

13th October

Dear Mum,

Thanks so much for your advice about Alice. I did what you said and apologised to her went and explained to Frank that I'd only been joking; he was _so_ relieved. He'd probably been imagining her as some kind of "scarlet woman" as Alice put it. Anyway, I haven't told Alice (Frank made me promise) but he asked me to help him ask her out! Alice is going to be so excited; she's liked him for ages. It was so hard not just burst out and tell her, so I had to come straight away and write to you about it. I couldn't tell Marlene because she's _terrible _at keeping secrets; she just giggles and looks pointedly at people until they drag it out of her. I told him to give her roses and ask her face to face, because that's exactly how we planned together that he should ask her out (before we even knew he liked her). I didn't tell him that though; he would probably think that was a bit creepy!

Talking of people asking other people out, Potter seems to think it's funny to ask me out about twice a week; he's been doing it since the beginning of the year. He obviously doesn't mean it, because he never looks disappointed when I say no. Anyway, I wouldn't go out with him even if he did, the idiot. One day I swear I'm going to murder him. When he's not asking me out he's pranking me, or hexing random people in the corridor who offend him by committing some atrocious crime like accidently stepping on his toe.

Hopefully he'll lose interest soon anyway. Oh, and don't mention this to dad will you? I don't want him getting too overprotective again. I'd like to have the pleasure of killing Potter myself (evil laugh).

Alice thinks Remus might have asked me out if he wasn't worried about Potter decapitating him. I don't think so though; Remus is really sweet, and I have no idea how he ended up friends with Potter and Black and that kid Pettigrew who they've started hanging out with, but really we're just friends. There's something funny about him, though. He literally seems to be ill about once a month. Sev's got this crazy theory that he's a werewolf, or something like that; I think that he (Sev) is going slightly bonkers.

While we're on the subject of Sev, I wanted to dicuss something with you. I haven't really talked about it before because it's never really bothered me, but recently that's started to change. In the magical world there's this discrimination against muggle borns (witches and wizards with non-magical parents, like me). It's not many people, but a few Slytherins think that if you are a "pure blood" that makes you better than muggle borns. And there's this awful nickname, "mudblood", for muggle borns. It's a kind of insult really, and very offensive, a bit like "nigger", only worse I think. I've been called a mudblood a few times, but only by stupid Slytherins, like that creep Malfoy in seventh year. But recently I've noticed that Sev has started hanging out with that crowd, the ones who smoke behind the greenhouses and go around insulting people's parentage. And it's starting to rub off on him. Twice now, I've heard him calling someone a mudblood; once it was a prefect, telling him to sort out his robes (they did look a mess), and the other was a little first year who obviously hadn't the first clue what it meant. He apologised to me afterwards, when he realised it was offensive to me, but he wouldn't apologise to them.

I've tried talking to him about it, but he always changes the subject. I'm really worried, Mum; what if he starts thinking about me like that? He's my _best friend_, but Avery and Mulciber and that lot are starting to make him into a different person.

I don't really know what to about it. Please give me some advice Mum!

Looking forward to your next letter,

Love,

Lily

_Found it!_

_She should probably cut out the bit about Severus at the bottom; that would probably be a bit insensitive, considering how that boy turned out. It was quite a long letter, anyway. Faintly, she underlined everything from "Alice thinks Remus..." to "...give me some advice Mum!" She must remember to tell Alice. _

_She thought about when she received that letter. She always loved it when Lily wrote to her with problems. Petunia had never wanted to talk to her about anything. She tried to be fair; Petunia had been 2 years older than Lily, and well into her moody teenage years. Also, she and Petunia had much more chance to get annoyed with each other, since they lived together, than she and Lily. But that didn't change the fact that whenever Petunia pushed her mother away Mrs Evans felt terribly hurt, and could often only find solace in Lily's letters._

__**I've had a couple of people comment on the length- this chapter's a bit longer than the first two. I hope it's okay. I'm not going to say "review or I won't update" or anything like that, but I really would like to hear what you think of it. Even if it's just "Hey, I like your story", just so I know I'm not boring you.**


	4. Fourth Year

_4._

_For the fourth file, she was a bit stumped. The only particularly significant thing form this year of Lily's life was when they found out that Harold had cancer. Lily probably didn't need reminding of that today. As she flicked through the pile unsuccessfully, she discarded each she came across with a sigh. Then, her eyes alighted on one that looked promising._

14th February

Dear Mum and Dad,

How's your week been? Mine's been just as crazy as usual; I suppose that's inevitable, going to a school of magic.

On Tuesday in Charms we were doing summoning charms (making objects fly towards you) and I beat Potter in our private competition for the third time this week- Hah! We have this competition to see who can master the spell fastest. Of course, I managed the spell first time, because I taught it to myself in second year. Professor Flitwick was so pleased he gave me 15 points to Gryffindor! Then he started me on banishing objects (making them fly away from me). I had got the hang of that one by the end of the lesson as well, while Potter was still struggling with summoning. Unfortunately, he always beats me at Transfiguration (git.)

Hey, you remember I was telling you that Alice was really worried because she thought Frank was going to dump her? Well, it turns out he was just anxious because he wanted to say "I love you" for the first time, and he thought she might not be ready! Crazy, eh? They went on a lovely romantic Valentines date today in Hogsmeade- everyone was very pleased when Valentine's day fell on a Saturday this year, and there was a Hogsmeade visit scheduled. Alice was all giggly when she came back; they went in Madam Puddifoot's and Frank kissed her. Madam Puddifoot's is a sickeningly sweet teashop that just opened up recently- full of confetti and cherubs and revolting stuff like that. Marlene has dumped her third boyfriend this term, and I (you will be pleased to hear, Daddy Dear) am between boyfriends at the moment, so we stalked her and Frank around the village. A couple of times I heard footsteps close behind me, and I thought I heard Potter's obnoxious laughter, but when I turned around there was no-one there. Marlene says I've got Potter on the brain.

Considering his antics this morning, it's hardly surprising.

At breakfast today, Potter tried to feed me love potion. Fortunately for me he chose a sort of cheaper version of Amortentia, the strongest love potion of all, so I could tell what it was straight away. I've read all about it in a book called "500 Tricky Potions for the Budding Potioneers" (recommended to me by Professor Slughorn); it smells of whatever attracts us most. I could smell chocolate, walnuts and a sort of fresh, springtime smell. Anyway, I didn't fall for it. I threw it back in his smirking face. According to Remus, who caught me up after breakfast, it wasn't proper love potion; it wouldn't have made me obsessed with him like amortentia would. To quote Remus, it would "just make you kind of fancy him a little bit". JUST. Even that is absolutely unforgivable.

I got my revenge later though; I borrowed a bottle of "Prankortentia" from my friend Elena in Hufflepuff. She got it from Zonko's, the new joke shop in Hogsmeade. Basically, instead of causing the drinker to fall in "love" with the giver of the potion, you decide who they start obsessing over by putting one hair from that person into the bottle before shaking it and pouring a few drops on the victim's food. Anyway, Potter spent most of the evening after dinner chasing after the Slytherin Quidditch captain, Georgina Flint. And, much as I pride myself in not judging people, she really is quite awful. I can't wait for him to get over the effect of the potion- he's going to be so embarrassed. Serves him right.

Well that's more or less it for this week's news; nothing else very interesting, unless you count Potter breaking his record and asking me out nine times before Wednesday. Not that he stopped there, oh no. He was on fifteen by the time I punched him in the mouth and stormed upstairs to bed last night. Oh don't look at me like that, Mum. He had it coming. Tell her, Dad.

How's the job going, Mum? Still writing lots of pieces for that newspaper of yours? You must send me a clipping of that story you did about the malfunctioning toilets, it sounds hilarious. Better keep it out of Potter's reach though; don't want him and Black getting any ideas!

Love,

Lily

_She hesitated; was she really willing to share these details of her job with those people, especially after Lily had explained that the whole regurgitating toilets problem was probably a prank played by wizard "muggle baiters"? Yes, of course. She was thinking like her dear daughter Petunia now. She knew that none of the ones Lily was friends with would discriminate against muggles like that. This wasn't about her, this was about Lily._

_Her eyes flickered to a letter she had purposefully tossed right to the other side of the table. More of a brief note than a letter- it had been written hastily. She knew she shouldn't read it; she had a job to do, and that letter wasn't going to help her. But she couldn't resist; the memories were too strong._

16th April

Dear Dad,

When I got your letter, I couldn't believe it. My Dad, with cancer? It didn't seem possible. This is a very hard letter to write, because I'm so confused and anxious. I talked to professor McGonagall about it, but she said there's nothing magic can do for incurable muggle diseases like cancer. I feel so helpless; there ought to be something I can do. You didn't mention in your letter something very important. You must tell me truthfully, Daddy. Did your doctor say if you... did he mention...I need to just say this. Did he say if you were going to live? I'm going to send this now, because I need to hear your answer. At the same time, I feel terribly afraid of hearing it.

Please don't die, Daddy.

Love,

Lily

_She wiped away a stray tear. Yes, she had a job to do._

_****_**I hope you liked it- please give me your opinion, especially on the last bit. I'm not sure if I got the second letter, to her dad, quite right. Hey, who can guess how come she was hearing James' disembodied laughter in Hogsmeade? ;)**


	5. Fifth Year

_5_

_There was one letter missing from the fifth file. It had, in fact never lived there. Ever since the day the Hogwarts tawny owl had tumbled through the bathroom window while Harold was shaving one sunny June morning, causing him so cut his chin, this letter had lived on Mrs Evans' dressing table. She had read and re-read it so many times in the last few years that she knew it by heart. She closed her eyes for a few minutes, and allowed her memory to run through that letter for the thousandth time._

11th June

Dear Mum and Dad,

I feel so messed up and confused. I have so much I need to tell you, and it's so hard by letter. There is so much I need to fill you in on, that I have been aware of for so long, but have just been ignoring in the hope that it will go away.

I don't really know how to say this, how to break it gently, so I will just say it bluntly.

We are on the brink of war. Everyone knows it, although no-one talks about it. Almost every day in the _Prophet_ there is news of more disappearances, homes with the Dark Mark, His sign, over them. The Ministry is trying to make out that it is just a bunch of sick terrorists who will soon be rounded up, but they're not fooling anyone.

Not just the wizarding world, but the entire muggle world, is in danger. And I know for certain that no muggles will be safe, because the perpetrator of this crime, the fire-starter of this war is against all muggles, muggle borns and squibs. (Remember about squibs? I told you about them a few years ago I think. Alice reckons Pringle's apprentice Filch is one.) His name, or at least the name he goes by, is "Lord Voldemort".

He thinks... well, he thinks that purebloods are the best anyone could be, and muggles are filth and need to be kept in their places. All that crap that those revolting Slytherins believe in. They're all ready to join him as soon as they leave school. Remember I mentioned Malfoy a couple of times? He finished school at the end of my third year. According to the rumours he and his mates have already joined Him. And that brings me to my next sorrowful tale.

Severus- my once best friend- is now my friend no longer. He plans to join the death eaters as well. I had been suspecting as much for a while, because he has become increasingly more like "them" recently; hoisting up random muggle born first and second years by their ankles, bandying the word "mudblood" around like there's no tomorrow, and not even bothering to apologise to me, like he used to. But what finally ended it was something that happened two days ago. Potter was being an absolute prat as usual, pulling the levicorpus on Sev and humiliating him, so, even though Sev and I have been getting more and more distant, more and more argumentative, of course I went to defend him. I look out for my friends, unlike some people. But Sev said, in front of everyone, "I don't need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!" He tried to apologise later, but I couldn't forgive him. It's my worst nightmare come true. Over the years, almost every time we've had an argument about him calling people mudbloods, I have asked him if that's how he saw me, begged him to stop it before it ruined our friendship. And now it has.

It's not a huge step. It's not like I'm any different from any other muggle born. In fact, despite the brave face I put on, I think I might have let him come crawling back if he hadn't as good as admitted that he intended to join You Know Who. Alice and Marlene have been saying for years that he's no good. For the first time I am inclined to agree.

After what happened I decided that I had put it off for long enough. I went to Professor McGonagall to ask her what I could do about it, how I could protect you and the rest of the world. She freely admitted that we were on the edge of a war. She said there was nothing I could do for you personally, but if I wanted to help the war effort, I might want to reconsider my career path. She said to me, and I am quoting this as well as I remember so as not to seem as though I'm bragging, "I am sure that you would be an extremely successful Potioneer, but if you wish to do something to assist the bringing down of You Know Who, I suggest you become either a healer or an Auror. I would advise you to think about becoming an Auror. Although you would certainly do well as a healer, an Auror is a much more difficult career path, and quite frankly I think the Auror Office needs your talent. I'm sure you must be fully aware that you are one of the brightest witches in your year, and you were not put in Gryffindor for nothing."

So that's it. I swapped Herbology for DADA, and I'm going to try and become an Auror.

I'll see you in a few weeks anyway, but I needed to get all that off my chest.

Love,

Lily.

_Blinking, she returned to the task in hand. Shuffling the pieces of parchment, she caught phrases like "Muggle Studies professor is completely clueless" and "Marlene says I'm crazy for starting my revision this early". Whenever she caught James Potter's name, it seemed to be just a passing comment, such as "I can't even be bothered to get angry at Potter anymore" and one that caught her eye said "I've matured, he hasn't. That's all there is to it these days." It had been true at the time. She sighed reminiscently. Then she resumed her shuffling. Come on! She thought to herself, she was a journalist! She was telling a story! All that was needed for this and the next before the big one in seventh year was a bit of softening of Lily's heart, a bit of romance even. But it did seem to be the case that Lily had just matured too far in advance of James at this point. Then she remembered something from Christmas of that year, when Lily went to stay at Alice's for the Christmas holidays._

Dear Mum,

I feel like I ought to write to you. I've been writing to you at least once a week whenever I'm away from home that long for the past four-and-a-bit years. It's a hard habit to break.

So, now I'm going to have to re-awaken your youthful side with my tales of all my parties and boys. (Kidding, kidding! Of course you're always youthful! Now put that saucepan down!) Well, a party, anyway. And "my" boys would be a bit ridiculous, as I'm still single and loving it ever since that I dumped that jerk Brian. Not that I don't appreciate boys, but I'll come back to those reflections later on. Hold that thought!

So, the party. Alice had a Christmas party for loads of people at school, and guess whose mum should turn out to be all time best friends with Alice's mum. That's right, Potter's. Not that I made a fuss about it, I'm far too well behaved for that. (Okay, you can stop laughing now.) So of course he turned up with his little gang, Pettigrew looking positively terrified at the idea of having to spend a whole evening being sociable. Alright, that was a bit harsh. But he is very anti social, apart from when he's with those Margeriners or whatever they call themselves. No, I think it might be Mariners, or no, Marauders! That was it! Marauders. According to the dictionary it originates from the French for "rogue". That figures. Why am I still thinking about them?

At this party then, I had a great time, and had a tiny bit of alcohol and stuff (don't tell dad) but not too much, I promise. Oh, don't give me that face, I'm sixteen in a month anyway, and I distinctly remember you telling me that you first got drunk when you were fifteen. Not that I got drunk. Absolutely not. I tried some firewhiskey, but not much.

But about halfway through, I had an astounding revelation. I was watching Potter having a laugh with his mates (don't ask me why I was watching him; just, don't even go there) and I realised that Potter is actually... well, to put it baldly, he's actually quite hot. Hey, I admitted I had drunk a bit of firewhiskey. It must have gone to my head a bit quicker than I expected. But anyway, I pointed this out to Alice, and she gave me this weird look, and said, "Are you seriously telling me you've only just noticed? I thought you always knew, you were just so repulsed by his personality that it had no effect on you!" Of course I was. Obviously.

Hah, I can see those cogs turning in your head from here, mother dear. You're as bad as Alice. You see, I know what your reaction will be to everything I write. But to answer your unasked question, no I do _not _fancy James Potter. Black is much better looking than him, anyway, I've known that for ages, and he's just as much of a prat; possibly more. I could hardly fail to notice him, the way he flaunts it like that. But for some reason I've only just noticed Potter. I spent most of the evening after that wondering how it took me so long to realise. Alice spent most of the evening bugging me about Potter and dragging Marlene away from her admirers to giggle about it together.

It's a good thing he's not reading this. Knowing his mountain sized ego as I (painfully) do so well, he would take this as a sign that he's been right all along, **and I'd like nothing better than to **Xs\|g|X-h/ m|\**** sorry, that was Marlene grabbing my quill and writing something COMPLETELY inappropriate on my letter, that I had to cross out. Apparently she has been reading over my shoulder for the last 5 minutes, and she informs me that I sound like a typical lovesick puppy eyed school girl. What would she know; she never writes letters to anyone.

Need some sleep now. Looking back over this letter, it has been a bit party obsessive. Oh well, it's Christmas.

Love,

Lily

_In all the worry about Harold, the impending war, and the boy Lily had once called her best friend, she had completely forgotten about this letter. She remembered very clearly the delight with which she had received Lily's letters about James in her seventh year, going from confused, to anxiously excited, to blissfully happy, fulfilling all her own suspicion; but she had forgotten this one letter that had started those musings. This was the perfect way to begin the ending of Lily's childhood._

__**So... how was it? Please review! If you've got any criticisms, suggestions or ideas about why she is looking through the letters, then I want to hear them.**


	6. Sixth Year

_6_

_She only had ten minutes until Alice would arrive._

_That letter still made her cry._

21st April

Dear Mum,

I feel like I'm dead. No, it hurts too much for that. I want to die. No no no no no I don't mean that. Honestly I don't. If I write no enough times maybe I can take that back. I could just not send this. But I always send every letter- it makes it more like I'm talking to you.

Lov- NO. I have to keep writing, I can't stop here. I have to let it out, I can't close up any more.

I'm sorry I haven't written before. I suppose that was hard for you, because you need an owl with my letter to reply.

It's been a month now, since the funeral, and I'm still crying myself to sleep every night. I can't find it in me to care anymore if I beat Potter in Charms, or if I fail the Transfiguration test on Monday, or if I fail all my bloody OWLs. Nothing matters anymore.

I feel so guilty, like there should have been something I could do, because even after five and a half years of Hogwarts, I still believe, somewhere in me, that magic should be the answer to everything. I know that even magic can't stop cancer, but I still feel some inexplicable guilt in me.

If only I had written to him more often, instead of just writing to you. If only I had told him I loved him more, hugged him every day I was home, brought him breakfast in bed, whatever. But I can't.

He's gone forever. I'll never see him again; I'll never hear him call me Lilykins, never see him smile, or push me on the swing in the playground, or make me pancakes. I tried to go down to breakfast today, but it was pancakes. I saw them on the table and just ran. I didn't go to Transfiguration after that.

Writing this is making me cry even more. But I have to write it.

No one else can understand it; only you know how I'm feeling. If it's ripping my heart in two, it must be shredding yours like paper. I haven't spoken to anyone in a month. I don't answer questions in class, I don't talk to my friends, I don't sing in the shower. I'm not being deliberately useless- I just can't talk.

I didn't even tell my friends what was the matter when I first found out. They endured three days of silence before Alice found the letter you sent telling me he was dead. The whole school knows there's something wrong, but they don't know what it is. Whispers follow me everywhere in the corridor, like snakes. But I don't care. Normally I'd hate it; I'd hate being the centre of attention, the subject of everyone's gossip. But I don't care. I feel cut off from the world.

I want to talk to Tuney so badly, but after the funeral... she completely ignored me, Mum. She walked right past me without looking at me. She'd rather talk to Vernon than her own sister. She hates me. I always knew she was angry and jealous. But I never thought she could but up such a barrier against me that even Dad... leaving us... couldn't break it down.

I want my daddy back.

Love,

Lily

_Repressing a sob, she gazed at the letter unseeingly. When she had been reading the letter, she had realised something. Earlier she had thought that Lily wouldn't want to be reminded of her father's death on her wedding day. But that was wrong- today of all days Lily would be thinking about her father constantly. After all, it was he who should be walking her down the aisle. Lily had politely refused Alice's father's offer to do it instead; she had decided that she would walk with her bridesmaids, leaving her father's space empty, "because he'll be there really. He wouldn't miss it for anything." _

_Even so, this letter was not right. It had been written exclusively for her eyes. But the next one, how about that?_

28th April

Dear Mum,

I have finally spoken to my friends. Once I'd got over the wall I'd built, it was easy, just like you said. I said sorry for pushing them away, they said it was fine, they understood, we hugged each other and cried a lot, and then we were fine. It's much easier to cope when I've got them behind me. But perhaps it would surprise you to know that my friends weren't the first people I spoke to once I got your last letter. No, it was Potter.

I had taken your letter down to the lake to read it, because it sort of reminded me of all the times dad and I went fishing in the summer time. The daffodils were just ending, but there were still a few nearby. It smelled beautiful, the most wonderful spring smell ever.

Once I'd finished it, I just stared into the lake for a long time, so I didn't even notice him coming up behind me until James Potter sat down next to me. Neither of us said anything for a while. I didn't even look at, him, but I knew it was him. He smells of walnuts for some reason- I've never really plucked up the courage to ask him why. I suppose it is a bit of a personal question. But I always know if he's behind me, because he smells different to anyone else.

I think he was probably just going to sit there, so I said very abruptly, "My dad died." I don't know if he was surprised if I had talked first, because I was still looking at the lake. After a few seconds, he replied, "My dad died last year."

I was completely shocked. I hadn't noticed any change in his behaviour at all, and believe me, the amount of time he spent inflicting his company on me last year, I'm sure I would have noticed if he had been acting upset or withdrawn. Before I realised I was saying it, I blurted out, "I didn't realise."

"I only told Sirius, Peter and Remus," he answered. "I didn't let it show because... well, I didn't really want the attention. I mean, not that I think you're looking for attention, I just..." This surprised me even more. It seemed very uncharacteristic. But then, I suppose even Potter wouldn't be particularly keen on attention because his dad died. I nodded to show I understood.

"He was an auror. He was killed trying to catch Death eaters. They laid a trap, and he got caught by them. The auror office suspect that Lucius Malfoy was there. When I found out, I decide I wanted to be an auror as well. It felt like I had suddenly matured very fast, and I knew what I wanted to do," he told me.

"When I realised, I mean actually realised properly, that there was going to be a war, I decided to become an auror as well, to try and protect my family. But there was nothing I could have done; my dad died of a muggle disease called cancer." I had meant to say it matter of fact-ly, but I sounded so desolate. He didn't say anything; he just put his arms around me. It felt okay. Nice even.

I feel completely messed up. The idea, that James Potter could be so sensitive never occurred to me. I have always been proud of how I never judged people, especially slytherins, for what they are, but I have never had any reason to believe that my assessment of Potter as an insensitive, arrogant idiot was at all off the mark. But now he reveals that he has a heart. My life is a mess.

But once I had worked this out, something clicked inside me. He hadn't asked me out for ages; perhaps that was why. He had matured. I felt kind of sad; our childhood is slipping away from us.

We talked about our dads for ages, just random memories of them, and I told James about the pancake thing. I also told him about how I hadn't spoken to anyone, even Alice and Marlene, for a month. The old Potter would have made a massive deal over how I had talked to him first, and insinuated that it meant I fancied him (the thought that it might look like that never even crossed my mind at the time) but the new James just asked me quietly if I was going to talk to them now. I suppose he really has changed. I showed him your letter.

Anyway, we've agreed that we'll be friends now, because there's no real reason to go on being rivals. He said, "So you don't hate me anymore?" I told him I'd never hated him. I hadn't realised he actually thought that. I'd been irritated, infuriated, but I'd never _hated _him.

How life changes. People are still whispering, but even though I'm not numb any more, I still don't care. I'm above it all.

I love you Mum.

Love,

Lily

_I love you too Lily, she thought._

__**So, comments and criticisms welcome as usual. This chapter****'s not as funny and light hearted as usual. I hope I managed to do it well enough, since it's a bit different to my normal style. **


	7. Seventh Year

_7._

_Over Lily's seventh year a lot changed in her perspective of James. Probably the circumstance that helped this most was their joint headship of the school; he had had less time for pranks, and she had come to discover that aspects of his personality which she had once found irritating she now found endearing. It had been James she had turned to for comfort when Petunia had refused to invite her to her wedding with Vernon. James had been her outlet for everything; it was on his shoulder she had cried on the anniversary of her father's death._

_Lily had also taken advantage of her new found friendship with James to confront him about Remus, and confirm her suspicions about him which she had been formulating since third year. It seemed that Remus was indeed a werewolf, but what hit home most with Lily was James' confession that he, Sirius and Peter had become animagi to help their friend. "He's a hero, Mum, they all are. I know I've been saying for a few months that this is just a silly crush, but I think that now I know him better, I can't help but love him," she had written. _

_But it wasn't until almost the end of their last year that Mrs Evans had received the letter that she had been half anticipating for almost five years, since October of Lily's third year._

3rd July

Dear Mum,

My application was accepted for auror training! YES! I spent about half an hour screaming and bouncing round the dorm with Alice (she got accepted too!) when we got the letters on Thursday. Marlene _still_ doesn't know what she wants to do- she says she wants to put most of her efforts into the Order of the Phoenix, and let the rest of her life sort itself out. Typical Marlene.

Now, hold your breath Mum, because I've got exciting news... ALICE AND FRANK ARE ENGAGED! I'm so excited for them! They met up in Hogsmeade yesterday, the last Hogsmeade visit of the year. Alice told Frank she was going to be joining him for auror training, and he asked her to marry him! Not just because she was accepted for training of course- he had the ring ready in advance before he even knew her news. She showed it to us when we met up in the Three Broomsticks later on- it's beautiful!

Just think Mum- little Alice who fell over on the garden path and cut her knee on the gravel at the end of second year when she came to stay for the summer! Little Alice, who obsessed about Frank for weeks, but refused to ask him out. I feel like crying with happiness. I'm going to be her chief bridesmaid, because Marlene hates that kind of thing. She says she'll turn up for the dress choosing, the hen night and the wedding, but only because it's Alice. "Marriage is a complete waste of time, and I would never do it," she told us in fourth year, and she stands by that. Dear Marlene. I do love her.

James got accepted for auror training as well. He heard our screaming and tried to get up to our dorm to celebrate with us but he forgot about the staircase slide system! Poor Jamesie.

Talking of James, I've got some more pretty big news. Okay, okay, so I've been dying get onto it since the start of the letter. You know me too well. But I've got to save my best news until last, right?

You've probably been expecting this for years; Alice and Marlene certainly have. Yes, that's right- James asked me out again, and I said yes at last. I am his girlfriend. James Potter is my boyfriend. _James Potter_ is my boyfriend. Hahahaha, I was just sitting there repeating that out loud when a second year came in looking for her sister. She gave me a very strange look. Oh well, it looks like it will be all round the school in no time.

It might seem a bit silly to you that we've waited this long, and now there's only two weeks left of school to be together. But we'll keep on seeing each other after school ends, and when auror training starts he, Alice, Frank (who has been doing auror training for a year already since he's a year older than us) and I will get a flat together. Maybe it sounds like we're moving too fast, but I've known for a while that I love him. I didn't say anything because I thought that he since he had matured, he had got over me.

It's funny; when I told him that, he told me that he had fancied me since third year, but when he matured he realised that he loved me too much to keep on bugging me like that. He resigned himself to me never loving him back.

Perhaps you're thinking "oh how ridiculous, they have already said 'I love you'". But I don't think we're moving too fast because I honestly think I could spend my life with him. I know him so well; this year has really brought us closer. It may be a bit early to be thinking about marriage and the future, but with a war going on we can never be sure if we will wake up tomorrow, so we might as well take chances. That's what Alice said about her and Frank as well.

Well, I'll see you in two weeks then. Oh, and Alice says to tell you that you're invited to the wedding.

Love,

Lily

_And it was done. _

_Three minutes later the doorbell rang and Alice stood at the door, panting and clutching her side._

_"Have you got them?" she gasped between deep breaths. Mrs Evans pushed the letters into her hands._

_"Here they are, Alice dear."_

_"Thanks Mrs Evans! Thank goodness Lily has shown me how to use a fellytone- I didn't take Muggle Studies. We'll be here in ten for you to help Lily dress- I only managed to slip away from Marlene's on the pretext of going to the shop for some chocolate to keep us going, and I've still got to do that! This stupid war- I couldn't apparate closer than the other end of the street because of all the wards Dumbledore has set up. Anyway, thanks a million; I completely forgot about the chief bridesmaids' speech until Marlene mentioned it this morning!"_

_"There's a bit crossed out on one; I thought it would probably be a bit tactless to read that out at their wedding, since it's about Severus, so make sure you remember that. See you in a minute, then."_

_"Bye!" Then Alice Longbottom set off back down the garden path at a run. The same garden path she had cut her knee on all those years ago._

_She smiled. Marriage and a responsible job catching You Know Who's followers had not changed scatterbrained, chattering Alice at all. _

_Now she had to clear up this mess of letters and files before Lily and her bridesmaids arrived._

_It was her youngest daughter's wedding day._

_Lily really had grown up._

**I got a bit teary writing that. Well done to those of you who guessed what she was doing with the letters! It's not quite finished yet- I'm doing an epilogue, and since I've got it more or less planned out, I'll probably upload it in the next few days.**


	8. Another First Year the Harry times

**Disclaimer: I don't own the world of harry potter, or any of the characters**

**I don't normally do a comment at the start, but I just wanted to say that this chapter is set a few weeks before Lily and James have to go into hiding.**

_1._

4th November

Dear Mum,

I can hardly believe that I've only been married two months; so much has happened. I'll tell you my news first. That's interesting; a year ago I would have saved my news until last, to end the letter with a bang. But life's too short- I've realised that now. Anyway, the news; you already know you're going to be a grandma soon, because Petunia is pregnant, but I can tell you you're definitely going to have a grandson in about nine months!

Alice and I are both pregnant! Magical pregnancy tests can tell you the sex of your child as well, so we both know we're having boys.

They're going to be best friends at Hogwarts, I just know they are. James is really excited as well; we've already decided that Sirius will be the Godfather, and they spend every evening in the sitting room talking about the "little prongs". They're already taking bets on whether he'll have black hair or ginger. I expect Little Potter and Little Longbottom will both be the troublemakers of their time, like James and Sirius. I can't wait to see them grow up.

I feel like I'm starting a new era of my life. Hogwarts was one era, and then my marriage era started, now my baby. It's like I'm about to start another first year- my first year of motherhood. You'll have to come round and give us lots of tips about being parents! I don't want this war, or the fact that I can do magic to help me, to change that. You'll be an ordinary mum giving me advice as you would have anyway.

James insists that even when Little Potter is big enough not to need breast feeding or nappy changing any more at least one of us should be home to look after him every day, even though it wouldn't really be necessary; old Bathilda Bagshot next door would be happy to babysit quite often when he's old enough. But, as James pointed out, "If he doesn't get to know his parents well enough, he'll probably end up like Sirius." Well. We wouldn't want _that_ happening, would we? No, I'm just kidding. Sirius is brilliant, really he is. We were feeling a bit guilty about bringing a baby into this war-torn world at the moment, even though we wanted him so much, but Sirius made us feel much better about it just by being so very excited. He has insisted on having the right to buy Little Potter his first toy broomstick. I honestly think that Sirius will be the best godfather ever.

There are rumours going round that You Know Who's followers are after Marlene's family, the McKinnons. They are refusing to go into hiding, though. I tried to persuade Marlene that if He's after them and they don't hide, He'll catch up with her one day. But Marlene told me, "We're in the middle of a war. People die in wars. If I'm going to die, I want to keep working to bring Him down to the last." Apparently that's what her whole family thinks. I don't know if I could be that brave. Of course, I have the baby to think of as well.

If they get Marlene, I'm not going to let myself fall to pieces like I did after Dad died. I'm going to be strong. I talked about it with James, and we discussed life after death a bit. He firmly believes that one day we'll see everyone again. Could it be true Mum? Or is it all wishful thinking? I wish I knew.

How is dear Petunia? She's about two months pregnant isn't she? It's funny how so many people I know (including me!) are getting pregnant at the same time. Apparently a family friend of Alice's, Molly Weasley, is pregnant as well. She's about ten years older than us, and her first son William was born when Alice was ten. This will be her sixth son, I think Alice said. I wonder how on earth she manages with five boys and another baby on the way! Alice remembers holding little Bill when he was only a few months old. When he got a bit bigger, and the next few brothers started arriving, she would boss them all around and take charge whenever their families had a get together.

My son and Petunia's baby will be born within about a month of each other, won't they? I doubt I will be allowed anywhere near Tuney's offspring, but do try and knock some sense into him or her when you're round there won't you? With parents like Petunia and Vernon I think the poor kid will need it.

Anyway, could you come over next Wednesday? James and Sirius will be going off on a boys' night out, to celebrate (it'll be their first chance because of work and Order commitments), so that would be the perfect opportunity for us to spend hours talking about the baby!

Love,

Lily

* * *

><p>4th November<p>

Dear Dad,

I've been thinking a lot about what James said about life after death. So if you really are out there somewhere, watching me, then you probably already know our news. But it feels right to write you a letter. After all, that was one of my main regrets when I thought about you after you died; I hadn't written enough letters just to you personally. So here it is.

My time of the month was really late, so I thought I'd slip out and get a pregnancy test from Diagon Alley in my lunch break without telling James. We hadn't planned on having children until after the war, and I didn't want to worry him at this stage when it might be a mistake. But when the test showed that I was indeed pregnant, and it was going to be a boy, I knew that I had to tell him. I decided to wait until we got home.

At the end of the day we were both exhausted, but I was determined to break my news. I sat him down in the sitting room, and he was looking a bit nervous; I suppose I probably was as well. When I told him, he went very still for a minute, and then said slowly, "Are you sure?"

"Well, they do say 100% accurate," I replied, holding out the pregnancy test. He looked at it for a few seconds, then back at me, a wide smile spreading across his face.

"It's going to be a boy? We're going to be parents Lily!" he exclaimed. I went limp with relief. I was so worried he was going to be upset. I personally was absolutely thrilled. I had secretly longed to have children as soon as possible, because we could never be sure if the chance would be snatched from us. But we had agreed that it would be unfair on the children to knowingly bring them into a world where they never knew if their parents would be coming home at night.

Nevertheless, we are both incredibly excited and pleased.

You would have had a grandson, Dad. But he's going to grow up knowing about the best granddad ever, who just wished he could have met his grandson.

We have decided not to tell anyone, not even Sirius, that the baby was a mistake. After all, it was only our sense of fairness on the baby that stopped us from trying for one anyway, and how could anyone possibly call something as wonderful as a baby "a mistake"? I think it's alright to tell you though, since you're not going to be telling anyone down here.

One last thing, Dad, that I wanted to tell you first. I remember when you were alive, most of the time Mum called you Harold, but when she was particularly happy she would call you Harry. Like when you cooked the dinner, and Tuney and I were still best friends and didn't argue, so she had a perfect evening. Or when we were on Holiday in Spain, and the weather was so lovely that we could just sit outside all day long. Those were the happy times, or the Harry times, as I like to call them. Now Mum hardly ever seems happy. So to get to the point, I want to call my son after you. James can see that it's important to me, so he's agreed, as long as he chooses the name of the next one. ("What will you choose?" I asked with some trepidation. "I've always liked Elvendork as a name- plus it's unisex of course- always a bonus" he replied. Oh dear, oh dear.) But rather than call him Harold, I want to call him Harry; to remind Mum, and me, of the happy times.

Love as always,

Lily

**So, that's the end everyone. Please do review and tell me what you think, I'd love to hear your comments as ever. Even if you come back from your Easter holiday to find this waiting for you, I'd still love a review a couple of weeks from now, or whenever. It would be like when you get late Christmas presents in January; as though Christmas isn't quite over.**

**Thank you to everyone who has reviewed before with all your wonderful support, making me feel like it's all worthwhile.**

**Special thanks to americanathogwarts for always coming up with something for me to aim for, to help me improve.**

**And finally, this chapter is dedicated to LaTashaMalfoy.**

**Thank you.**


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